Monday, February 09, 2009

I carry a small purse

When I'm quiet it means one of a few things: I'm hungry, depressed, have nothing to say, or I'm struggling with an issue. I think my brain just slows down so I can focus on what needs to be handled. My life has been "on hold" while I wait to get pregnant and it has had it's moments, but I've been dealing with it and Bill has been dealing with me.

I think couples that struggle with fertility issues have a special experience that is understandable only to people who go through it themselves. You make plans for a future that never seems to materialize and it's not from lack of effort or a misguided path.

I read somewhere that a miscarriage can change who you are as a person. I thought that was overly dramatic when I read it but the truth is that I have changed since miscarrying last year. Even though I took time off from everything and tried to go back to who I was, I didn't quite get all the way there. I will never be the same, I'm more practical and directed, and in control of the things I can control. I also don't take any B.S. off of people and have learned to let things go. You know, I carry a small purse and a bunch of B.S. won't fit in it. It's kind of a nice perk of aging--to not give a sh*t!

I look back to who I was before, I thought I would get pregnant on my honeymoon. I thought we would have multiple kids, a little troupe of athletes and smack talkers who had as much personality as brains. How smug! How impatient!

I watched friends get pregnant the first month they tried. Multiple friends! Beautiful kids! What conclusion can you come to when this happens? After months and months and months of trying, uncertainty, drugs, and procedures, I have finally come to a conclusion: what I want is one thing, what I have is another. I do know one thing, I do not regret anything I have tried but I do regret not trying harder or earlier. Isn't that the way of life? You regret the things you didn't do.

This is why I've been quiet, my poor brain is overheating trying to figure out who I am and what happened to me. I think I'm alright. I like my life and all that is involved in being me. Despite a deep sadness, I still see humor in my daily life.

Plus, I have this hand puppet to talk to, and a small purse that has no room in it. That sounds like enough to get me through today.

1 comment:

QRgirl (erin) said...

Once in a while when I'm doing my blog reads, I'll open a blog thinking it's one person's but it's another's. Like today, I started reading this thinking it was Michelle's and when I read the part about trying to get pregnant I thought "holy shit, she's been trying to get pregnant! What aobut our Ironman plans???" Then I realized it was your blog. Oops. I really enjoyed the post. YOu are wonderful and blessed, even if life doesn't always take us where we want it to.